For some time I avoided mirrors. I didn’t like the look of the “sick” me. I would cross roads to avoid shop windows. It was stupid really; I thought if I couldn’t see it, it wasn’t really there. I suppose that is the trouble with cancer, it’s hidden and easy to ignore.
My friend, Janet, saved my life. I had been having some bleeding and pain in my abdomen, but didn’t think much of it. It was my oldest friend who made the appointment for me and came to have a cervical smear test with me. Sometimes you really need a girlfriend to hold your hand. I will always be grateful she made me go.
I am not sure whether I have aged more because of the chemotherapy. It’s just who I am now. My hair changed color and texture, but that gave me an excuse to do more with it. I was pretty mousy and boring before if I’m honest.
I am mad about trinkets. Give me a market, anywhere, anytime, and I’ll be there. I have over 150 necklaces. The best ones I found in Tanzania a year ago, they were gorgeous reds and russet browns, with amazing workmanship – they make me feel alive whenever I wear them.
I am in better shape than I was in my twenties. I think about what I eat and how much exercise I am getting; but most of all how much I have laughed that day…if I haven’t belly laughed, I try harder the next day.
I write the dates of my next test on my little mirror in my bag – it’s a quiet way of reminding myself that I am only still here because of the test, and there’s no way I’m going to let them lapse again.
When I look at my face now, I see a very lucky girl indeed. That’s all that matters, I am still here for my family, and I have lived to tell the tale. It’s true what they say, “it’s not what’s on the outside that counts”.
Hannah, Wellington (39)
Hannah was diagnosed with cervical cancer 5 years ago. She underwent chemotherapy and radiography, and has had the “all clear” for the 3 years.
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